I wanted to be as good as the monk standing next to me

The other day, when I was very busy and trying to run many errands in a very short time, I got stopped by a monk at the street. After meeting him, I could not stop thinking. Not the monk, but me. The strangest thing happened. I saw myself through somebody elses eyes, and I didn´t like it much.

The following is an actual conversation I had with the monk. The bolded text is what I was thinking at the time. You will find this interesting. How small people we really are, and how much we want to feel superior to the next person. This is not my proudest moment, but very teaching indeed.

I was running down the street, when I heard somebody saying to me:

- Are you an entrepreneur?
- No I´m not, why so? (I must look very busy and important.)
- Entrepreneurs tend to walk like you, they are often in a hurry.
- No I´m just busy. (What´s it to you anyway?)
- I am an monk from the monk school in Helsinki. We are here this week to talk to women about their well-being.
- That´s nice. You can walk with me, If you want to talk to me. (See, I am openminded enough to let you know that if I weren´t so busy and important I would have a wonderful conversation with you, and you would understand how wonderful and spiritual I actually am, same kind as you, you see.) 

This is were I started to draw money from the wall.

- I have this book, which has helped people to relief stress in their lives.
- Well that´s wonderful. I have my own ways to deal with stress. I am a reiki-person you know. Sorry, we are building a new house, and I have many things to take care of right now, that´s why I am busy at the moment. (See I know how to manage stress. I ought to let you know, that I am a peaceful and harmonic person, If only I wasn´t this busy getting the money for the downpayment of my new beautiful four pilaster bed I bought for my wonderful new house, I would tell you, that I am on this self developing path towards enlightment and I know the stuff you are talking about.)

- That´s wonderful, I have this book that many reiki-people have enjoyed, the monk continued.

Now I finally had all the 20 euro bills in my hand I needed for the downpayment of the bed and I was holding them in my other hand, excat sum I may add, there really wasn´t any more money on account to draw.

- Isn´t that nice. (Why on earth did I take this book in my hand, now it takes me forever to get it back to the monk.)
- Why don´t you keep that book, said the monk. I give it to you as a housewarming gift for your new home.

- What? So you are giving me this book? (Why is he giving me this book. I can´t just take this book. He saw me take the money out of the wall, maybe I should pay him something, I have these twenties in my hand, maybe he thinks I´m rich or something,)

- Yes, I hope you enjoy that.

Then I hit the bottom. I gave him a 20 euro bill and said:
- Well, you take this, so the universe stays in a balance. (Damned, now I have to go to the bank to the savings account to get the 20 euros I´m missing.)

The monk said thank you and vawed for goodbye. Totally accepting everything I did. Not judging me by any way. He was him as always, yet I had the feeling he saw me as I really was. Really petty, condescending, and totally full of it.

Afterwards many thoughts went through my mind.

1. Why it is so hard to live in the current moment.
During this conversation, I was million miles away. If I truly didn´t have the time, why did I not say to him that sorry, now I don´t have time to talk to you, I hope our paths cross some other time. I know I would have enjoyed the conversation with him, if I would have taken the time to really hear and see him.

2. Why did I feel ashamed afterwards?
All the feelings I was left with after the meeting with the monk were created in my own mind. Not once did he ask me anything, not once did he imply any way that I should do, say or pay anything. All those obligations I felt was created in my own mind. I wanted him to see me as I thought he would think I should be like. Instead he saw me as I was. The things that I said and did, were only to maintain that image I wanted him to keep. Yet he saw my sad efforts and the worst part, he accepted me. That is more than I can say for myself. I did not accept me as I was, and certainly I did not give the monk the respect he would have deserved.

3. C´mon stupid girl, what´s wrong with you, what´s with the money?
The money bit was a total lowpoint. I really wasn´t going to by a book. Not because I wouldn´t want to, but because I had just purchased many books (like The monk who sold his Ferrari by Robin Sharma, funny how the monks keep appearing :)) He decided to give me a book. (Propably looking at me thinking o´boy does she need the copy of Timeless wisdom and the sooner the better.) Why didn´t I just say thank you to him and enjoy the book. The obligation to pay for the book came strongly from somewhere that I still don´t know. Was it to show him that I have the money to pay for my things or was it condescending pity of a man who chooses to live his life according his beliefs of what was that? Today I think that with the money I bought myself a clean conscience not facing the monk openly, honestly and with respect he well deserved.

Sometimes life shows us, what kind of people we really are. Where are our weaknesses, and where are the areas we still need to grow. What I learned the most, was that I am far from ready and this path of self growth is something to treat with humble attitude and gratitude of the endless possibilities it offers us.

Now I will go write down my next goal: My goal is to treat all people with respect and honesty.